It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
