____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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