I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Rumble strips road head = magical
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
