At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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