I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
