the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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