I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
