May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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