i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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