Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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