Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
