we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
