I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I would ride that face into the sunset
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
