when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
