saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
