he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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