you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
