apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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