I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
