My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
