I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
