On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
