I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
