I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
