dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You ruined the universe
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
