worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
