I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
