FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
