Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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