I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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