Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
