My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
