I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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