How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
