I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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