??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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