The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
