If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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