I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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