Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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