Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
