My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
