I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
