I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
