I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
