i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
