Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Are we still banned from the library?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
