my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
