Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
