The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
