Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
